Pooping At Work

Often times we are at work and are faced with difficult to make decisions. Should I throw that other co-worker under the bus just to get ahead? Should I make this decision on my own and take the heat for it if it all comes crashing down around me? Do I go against my boss when I think he/she is wrong? These are all important questions we have to ask ourselves at some point in time in our careers. Yet, an even more important question is raised in your workplace almost every day; should I poop at work or not?

If you’re lucky like me you have an appointed “poop bathroom” at work. This bathroom is just off of a hallway, is secluded, and has a locking door. You don’t know about it on your first day but usually the nice guy in the office will pass the information on to you in a funny/joking way. You smile and thank him and say that “only can do that at home anyways.” Meanwhile in your head your thinking “THANK GOD HE TOLD ME THIS, I JUST HAD TWO CUPS OF COFFEE AND I HAVE A GROWING MONKEY TAIL!!!!!!!”

In my situation, I look around to see if anyone is particularly interested in what I’m doing at the moment and I quietly unplug my phone (so I can read a few rage comics while evacuating my bowels). I get up as if I am looking for something and then disappear through a door in which a single bathroom sits unattached to the office by itself with a locking door. Leaving me with the ability to poop in privacy and leave my office floor with the Black Ops/ninja skills of a CIA operative. However, I do understand that some of you may not have the great set up that I have, so I am willing to give you a few hints and tricks for pooping in high traffic/less private bathrooms. For your reading convenience, I present to you, a bulleted list:

* Learn how to power shit. I have a few friends who can do this. They go into a bathroom and do their business in the time it takes to pee. They are in and out. Which is off putting when you may step in after them thinking he has just taken a piss and you go to do the same and are hit with the smell of past poop souls who moan and attack your senses until your eyes are watering.

* If you’re in a multi stall situation. Time your poops like a sniper. If someone is in the bathroom, don’t let one plop until they leave or another loud noise can cover the sound of the gunshot. Maybe cough and push one out real quick.

* Throw some toilet paper in there before you go. The large amount of paper actually catches the poop and muffles the sound (I actually learned this from Oprah, true story).

* Don’t ever clog that toilet. Embrace the double, or if need be, triple flush.

* Carry a small bottle of cheap room spray or cologne with you into the bathroom. Something you can bring with you from your desk. Whatever it takes to hide your shame.

* Go poop at lunch. More fancy fast food (or as you have often heard, good food fast) places have clean and acceptable bathrooms.

* In an absolute dire situation, if your sensibilities just don’t allow you to poop in a public bathroom and you absolutely need to do your duty, bring a bag and some extra toilet paper outside. Hide in a wooded area and shit in that bag. At least no one will walk into the bathroom after you.

* Finally, get over your own candyass proclivities and shit at work. Fuck everyone else and poop. Poop and feel good about it. Who (literally) gives a shit? If anyone judges you for leaving a foul odor in a bathroom after finishing an act designed by God himself, then fuck them. Because as we all know, everyone poops. Yes even the hot girl in the office. She either already knows all these tricks or you are so infatuated with her you subconsciously don’t notice that she has been in the bathroom for the last 15 minutes.

I hope this helps some of you. I always say “If I can help just one person, then I’ve done what I set out to do, and that’s help people.”